The Conductor (movie recommendation) and Jarrett (a short story)

I’ve just watched “The Conductor” (tubi tv) about Antonia Brico’s struggle to become a conductor and her eventual creation of the New York Women’s Symphony Orchestra, and watched with dismay the stats at the end … of the top 20%, then top 50%, orchestras, not one has ever had a female conductor.

And I was reminded of a short story I wrote years ago and had forgotten about (it was the first of an intended collection that never materialized wherein each story was to be about a young woman’s experience of her first year of university – first year music, first year law, first year math, etc and the sexism encountered …).

Anyway. I post the story below. Sad to say that in 2010 I was still imagining what Brico went through in almost 100 years before.


Jarrett

She breezed into the room, wearing bright red coveralls, the sleeves rolled to mid-forearm, and white canvas basketball boots, unlaced.  Her left hand was in her pocket, and her right hung relaxed at her side, loosely holding her trumpet.  She gave the impression of arriving fresh from Mario Andretti’s track crew.  Or a skydiving flight.

Her steps slowed as she neared the centre of the room, and once there, she stopped to look around her in amazement.  The room was huge.  The ceiling was so high, and the windows so long, so tall.  And all this space.  She turned full circle slowly, a smile of wonder playing on her face.

She opened her audition with Chuck Mangione’s “Feels So Good”.  The first three notes, clear, and beautifully unrushed, didn’t break the silence, but, rather, slipped into it.  As the song progressed, she filled that silence, that space, more and more.  And more – the pace picked up and she was moving all over the room, dancing to the music, glorying in the resonance, feeling so good…sometimes supplementing the off-accents with a hip or a shoulder, or walking jauntily to the beat, or swinging her entire body upward with a surging note.  She played toward the end, moving less, as if to set up for a cadenza, then she stopped, profiled in the centre at the end of the room, and arched back for that grand penultimate phrase; in the rest that followed, she straightened, turned to face the adjudicators, and delivered the last phrase, with stunning simplicity.

 Then for the first time she spoke, to introduce her second selection as an original composition.  She walked over to one of the large cathedral windows and vaulted up to sit on the window seat, one leg stretched out along the length of the ledge, the other bent up to her chest. She was silhouetted by the sun that was just beginning to come through.  Her piece was a very sad, very beautiful, elegy.

When it was over, for a brief moment she rested her trumpet on her leg and looked out the window.  Then she nimbly leaped down, and walked over to the sound equipment.  She took a cassette from one of her pockets and put it in the player.  It was a ‘music minus one’ recording of Haydn’s Concerto in E flat for trumpet.  Jarrett took a central position nearer to the adjudicators’ table and standing quite motionless, played the concerto through, from beginning to end.

Dr. Martens applauded.  The others just stared.  Jarrett stood there, nodded a thank you to Dr. Martens, and waited.  Suddenly, recovering routine, Dr. Barton spoke to her.

“Uh – thank you,” he looked at his list, “Jarrett Reid. Uh – we’ll be in touch.”

She nodded again and walked toward the door.

When she had left, there seemed to be a collective sigh at the table, with the exception of Dr. Martens, who was still smiling, delighted.

“Well,” Dr. Barton said.

“Oh dear,” Dr. Whitely murmured.  Then, “We forgot to do the interview with her.”

“Oh – ”  For a moment, Dr. Barton moved as if to call her back, but that would be awkward.  He hesitated, wondering what to do.

“Do we need to?” Dr. Martens asked.  The others looked surprised.  “I mean, ‘Why does she want to study music?’  She loves it, isn’t it obvious?”  They looked alarmed, a little uncomfortable.

“But – ”

“There are other questions,” Dr. Elderson reminded him, “testing her knowledge and – ”

“You have her high school transcript, what were her music marks?”

“A. A-. A.” Dr. Whitely scanned the sheet.

“All right then.  Besides, didn’t that composition of hers indicate any ‘knowledge of music’ to you?  And her interpretation of Haydn was well-informed.”

The others nodded, hesitantly.

“But – Chuck Mangione?” one said.

“And her technique?” another said.

“Look, I’m not the brass expert here,” Dr. Martens said, “but I know a good sound when I hear it. Dr. Peira, how was the Haydn?”

“Good,” he said. Then added almost reluctantly, “Very good.”

“Well then?”

“But – she’s – ” Dr. Barton floundered.  “I mean do you think there’s a place for her here at our faculty?  We have room for 125 new students and 500 have applied.  We have to be selective beyond skill and knowledge.  Will she fit in here? That’s the question.”

There was a silence.

“She’s so – different,” one of them muttered lamely.

“So?” Dr. Martens asked.

Dr. Barton resumed, “We haven’t room to take chances on students who won’t fit in, Alex.  The students who won’t make it, the ones who will drop out, or fail, or get married, or change majors – how’s her background, can she afford to stay with us for four years?”

“What?” Dr. Martens asked incredulously.

“Look, I know it’s unfair to have to consider these things but we have face facts, we’re a business as well as an educational institution.  You read the Dean’s report, this faculty cannot survive if third and fourth year enrollment isn’t as high as first year.  We have to be sure the ones we admit will continue.”

Dr. Martens sprang out of his chair and went to the window.  The others restlessly played with pens, papers.  After a moment, he wheeled around, gesturing in exasperation.

“Why didn’t we consider these factors with the hundred who have preceded her?” He paused and folded his arms. “What have you got against this one, this Jarrett Reid?” he asked.

There was another silence.

“Well, she’s such a – a performer,” Dr. Elderson ventured.

“This was a performance audition!  Look, you admit she has the skill, she has the knowledge, she certainly has the spirit or ‘musicianship’ – ”

“But Alex, she’s so different, it’s just we’re not used to, didn’t expect – ” Dr. Whitely broke off.

“I move we hand in our ballots,” Dr. Peira said.

Each of them finished up their adjudicator’s report, then submitted their ballot.  Dr. Barton tallied their evaluations – 3:2.  Jarrett Reid was admitted to the faculty of music for her first year.  She had passed.

The class was loud, as usual, but rowdier, more restless.  It was mid-term time, and anxiety, and activity, levels were at a high.  Today was her turn for the exam in Conducting 101: she was to lead the class through the rehearsal of a piece – she was to conduct.  Dr. Martens took a seat at the back.

Jarrett put two folios of music under her arm and stepped onto the podium.  She looked out at the class and waited for their attention.  It was not forthcoming.  She set the music on her stand and raised a hand.  Still no change.  She stood there then, shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans and waited.

Eventually, gradually, the talk decreased, slowed, stopped.  Eventually they were looking at her.

She smiled, “So – what’ll it be: Beethoven’s Sixth or Louie’s Songs of Paradise?” Conversations were resumed almost immediately.  Again she waited for a bit, hoping they were discussing their options, then she raised her hand, again.  Silence was once more slow in coming, and she decided to interrupt.

“Shall we take a vote then?” She fought against shouting.

“You’re the conductor, you’re supposed to decide!” A student called out over the lessened but still continuing talk.

“Yes, I am the conductor, but that doesn’t mean I’m a commander too.”  By now, most were quiet.  She explained, “I didn’t think there’d be any point in working through a piece no one wants to play – ”

“Let’s go with Alexina,” the voice called out, singsonging the name.

“Nah – too weird, I vote for the Beethoven.”

“Bor-ing.”

She waited again until there was enough quiet to take a vote.  A count of hands showed Louie to be in favour.  She handed out the music amid increasing flurry: adjusting music on stands, tuning instruments, wetting reeds, then warm-up scales and arpeggios.

“Jack, you’ll need a bow,” Jarrett called out to the percussion player.  “I didn’t think any of our string players would be willing to lend you theirs,” she grinned, “so I brought an extra – it’s by my desk.”

She waited until all the strings had put on their mutes, then when she began to hear fragments of the first section, she tried to begin.

“Okay,” she fought against shouting again, “we don’t have a tam-tam – and Bob, since you’ll be required on the vibraphone, I think we’ll just leave it out rather than try a substitution, okay?”

“Okay,” he said after a pause – surprised when he realized it wasn’t a rhetorical question.

“Now there’s a time change after the first two bars, from four-four to three-four, so let’s try just the first four bars.  I’ll count you in one bar.”  She had to wait a long time for silence before she could give the upbeat.  Half of the strings were a beat late entering bar four, still counting in four.  There was no reason for the error – especially if they had been watching her.

She looked at the string section. “We need more unison on the crescendo and decrescendo, bars two and four, and watch the metre change.”  She paused.  “Let’s try it from the beginning and go on this time.”

She stopped them at section B.  It had been dismal indeed.

She smiled playfully, “So how do you like it so far?”  Few smiled back.

“Look, at bar five there’s a rit.  Watch me, I’ll keep you altogether, ‘cuz at bar six we have to change speed, suddenly, ‘subito quarter note at 72,’ as opposed to the opening, quarter note around 50. Then at B, the score indicates getting faster little by little – at C we have to be at 88.  Now I know we’ll be nowhere near that since this is just a first playthrough, but we can certainly capture a change in pace, right? Let’s try it again.”

A general buzz followed her comments.  Eventually they were ready.  They got to E this time.  Well, most of them.  Again, the performance was much worse than it could’ve been, than it should’ve been.

“What’s the problem with the metre?  These are my patterns.”  She demonstrated two-four, three-four, four-four, and five-four with her baton.  “Okay?”  No response.

She tried to compensate then, “Great try, Steven. That oboe part is rather intricate, eh? And the balance is good, everyone, sounds good,” she added lamely.

They struggled through sections of the piece again and again.

Suddenly the first violinist interrupted.  “Excuse me,” he called out in the middle of a section.

“Yes?” Jarrett asked.

“Bar fifty-five, when I enter with the solo, I seem to disagree with your dynamic indications.  I’m entering mf crescendoing to f, and you seem to want me to enter at mp or p even. This is a solo – it’s supposed to stand out.”

Jarrett looked at her score.  “Well, the initial dynamic isn’t indicated.  So maybe you’re right, but even at p you do stand out, because only one other person is playing at your moment of entry – all we hear is a single flute tone – ”

“But starting at p is just too weak, too unobtrusive.”

“But this is a subtle piece.  I think it shimmers rather than glares.  Besides, starting at mf doesn’t give you much room to expand, and the peak is clearly marked just f not ff.”  He seemed not to have heard her last comment – he was talking to the violinist beside him.

A few other musicians then had questions, comments.  After a while, they were ready to play again.  At several points, too many people got lost and they had to start again somewhere.

Jarrett tried to make a few of the fermatas over rests inordinately long, an attempt to use silence as a timbre – but the attempt was lost.  No one was with her: they all paused the usual extra 1.2 seconds, by conventional consensus, and went on more or less together.

Eventually the class was over.

Dr. Martens left the classroom and went directly to his office.  He sat down at his desk and went over the notes he had made during Jarrett’s conducting.  Oh she knew her hand signals, and they were very clear, and visible, she never confused functions of the right and the left hand, her cues were always ready and necessary, her tempo metronomic, her understanding of the piece impressive, in fact it was quite a commendable choice, Louie was not only contemporary, and Canadian, but a challenge to any conductor for the frequent changes in metre and the precise dynamic indications – but, well, Jarrett hadn’t conducted the piece, the orchestra had conducted themselves: when it came right down to it, her presence hadn’t made any difference, as a  conductor she had not succeeded, and he felt he could not award a passing grade. She had failed.

It was now December, a week to go until Christmas break, and the end of the first semester.  Student conferences were held during this week.  Jarrett arrived for her 2:00 appointment with her advisor, Dr. Martens.  She knocked on his office door, and heard him call out, “Come in.”

She opened the door, and walked in.  “Hi.”

“Hi Jarrett, have a seat.”

“Thanks.”  She sat down.

“So how’s it going?”

“Well – “ she smiled and settled deeper into the chair, stretching out and crossing her legs in front of her.  She put her hands in her pockets, then began to answer his question.  “Normally, I’m not too concerned with marks.  I’m here to learn about music and sometimes the marks reflect what I’ve learned and sometimes they don’t.  It really doesn’t matter to me.  But since I’m here, and since you asked – ” she smiled mischievously, “well, it matters to the university. My marks, I mean.”

“Yes?”

“You know I got kicked out of ensemble.”

“No.  I didn’t know.  Why?”

“‘An excessive number of flagrant violations of the dress code.’”  She grinned.

So did he.  “But wasn’t it explained to you?  There’s a reason for the dress code.”

“Oh yeah,” she paraphrased, “a concert is not a visual event.  Music is to be heard and not seen.  So any non-uniform attire and/or colour disturbs this, the eye distracts from the ear. But if it’s just an aural affair, why doesn’t everyone just stay home and listen to their stereo systems?”  She paused.  “And I move too much.  I detract, I upstage the others, I stand out.”

“And what did you say to that one?”

“That if everyone moved, I wouldn’t stand out.”

He laughed.

“I know what they’re getting at.” She rushed on then, “I go to concerts and I see what they want.  But I hate what I see.  Everyone in the audience is sitting in their best dress, stiff and still.  Like statues. Not one dares to move – not even to Strauss.  Ditto the orchestra.  Only soloists are expected, allowed, to move.  Orchestras have always looked to me like a crowd that wandered in from a funeral.  Deadpan faces in black suits and ties.  I tell you if I were the composer – ”

She corrected herself, ” – when I compose,” then carried on with excitement, “I’m going to specify: this symphony is to be performed con moto, literally, by people in colours.  All sorts of colours.  Music is played with the body, it’s an affair of the heart, not the head.  I wonder if it’s just a coincidence that most of the people in music are men, and men are notoriously inept at expressing their emotions.  Sometimes I think that’s how we’ve gotten to where we are – sober, except for the soloists, and even then, the emotional spectrum consists of ‘intense’ and ‘more intense’.  Seldom joy, celebration – ”

She continued to ramble over ideas and impressions, as if they were boulders on an oceanside hike. “Maybe it’s just men in groups – then again, no, look at any all-male pop, rock, or jazz group – they move, it’s clear those people feel the music they’re playing.  So maybe it’s just ‘serious’ music – hm, the name itself – maybe something happens to people who study music, people in academia – I mean, they’re the ones who eventually form the orchestras, right?  Maybe something – maybe I should get out while – ”  She stopped then, a bit self-consciously.

“No, I don’t think you should get out,” Dr. Martens finally had to say something.  But then couldn’t say any more at the moment.

She resumed then, with less animation. “I may not have a choice. That zero in ensemble isn’t going to help my average any.  You know that first year students must have a B average in all their music courses to get into second year, to stay in music I mean. And a B+ in the course they want to major in.”

“Yes…”

“The mark you gave me in Conducting – it’s not too helpful for my average either – or as my major prerequisite – “

Dr. Martens raised his eyebrows. He hadn’t realized until now that she wanted to major in conducting, that she intended to become a conductor.  It pleased him: in addition to having a special, superior, understanding of music, which he felt she, of all his students had, a conductor had to express the music physically, visually – he recalled her audition – why she’d be perfect!

Jarrett continued, or rather ended then.  “It isn’t a fair mark.  I think I deserve a passing grade in Conducting.”  She sprang up then and looked out the window, uncomfortable with this sitting so long. And saying so much.

“I see,” he paused, his mind racing to recall his reasons for the failure.  She hadn’t been perfect, she –

She turned to him then.  “Can we talk about it?  I mean, why did you think so poorly of my conducting?”

“Well,” he started slowly, “for starters, you didn’t have the attention of your orchestra.  A conductor must have attention to do a good job of it.  Perhaps you could’ve clapped your hands, or asked them to be quiet – ”

“Clap my hands?  Ask them?  No one else had to.  My presence on the podium should’ve been enough – it’s standard courtesy to be quiet when the conductor ascends – ” she gestured slightly as she spoke, as if conducting her words.

“Yes, I know.”  He paused, then tried again to put his finger on her problem.  “Perhaps it was your voice, not loud enough to get their attention.”

“But that’s it – I shouldn’t have to get their attention, I should have their attention, I’m the conductor.  You pay attention to your conductor, any musician knows that.”

“Yes, but your conductor is in control.  From the start it was clear you weren’t.  You let them make decisions, instead of making them yourself.  The first thing you said was ‘Which one do you want to play, Beethoven or Louie?’”  He paused. “What would you have done if they had chosen the Beethoven?”

“Nothing different.  I was prepared for both.”

He smiled.  She would be.

“But that’s not the point.”  She sat down restlessly, then leaned forward.  “Don’t you think that a group that has a say about what it does performs better?  Why not approach it as a collaboration, it really is a group effort, isn’t it?  There’s no point in playing something no one wants to play.  It’ll never sound good.  And that’s my responsibility as a conductor, to make the music sound good, right?”

“Right but then when the soloist interrupted you to quarrel about your dynamics, you let him!”  Now Dr. Martens rose to walk around the room.

“Well what’s wrong with that?” She turned in her chair.

“Never ever let a member of the orchestra interrupt you – you’re the conductor!”

“But I’m not infallible, or omniscient.  He knows the violin better than I do – at least he should, it’s his instrument.  He may have had a valid point.  I’m open to comments, suggestions. Just maybe someone from the orchestra will make a suggestion that I’ve never thought of before, a suggestion that will change the piece, that will make it closer to what it was intended to be.  Two heads are better than one.  Thirty or fifty are fantastic!”

“But not when you have a job to do.  Not when you’re trying to lead them through a rehearsal.”

“When then?  My job is to bring out the best possible performance of the music and – ”

“But you didn’t do that.  What you got was a very muddled, pathetic performance.”  He paused, sat down, and tried again.  “Perhaps it was something else in your style – it was so – unauthoritative.  You smile too much.”

“What’s wrong with smiling?  Why should I be mean and militant?  Is that the only style people pay attention to?”

“Well, maybe!”  He shrugged his shoulders in frustration.  He knew he didn’t conduct that way.  “Look, Jarrett, they didn’t pay attention to you, they didn’t listen to you.  I don’t know why.  But none of the other students so far have had that problem, so it must be something you did or didn’t do, can’t you see that?”

“Yes.  All right, you’re right.  It was the things I did.  What I did was different.  But being different is no reason for failure.”

“But the others can conduct.  Their way works.  Your way doesn’t.”

“For now, it doesn’t, and only because it is different, because it’s not what they’re used to.  Their way works because we’ve been conditioned to follow that way.  Response to that which is different has always been reservation and reluctance at the least, rejection and rebellion at the extreme.  Surely you know that.”

“Yes,” he nodded, remembering again her audition, the heated interchange among the adjudicators afterward.  Yes.

They were both silent then.

“But I wonder if that’s just part of it, perhaps there’s more to it than what I did or didn’t do.”  She sounded back by the ocean, picking her way over rocks and roots.  “I’ve always thought, like you, that I was the problem – my differentness – I thought it was individual.  But more and more I’m wondering – it’s too bad there aren’t other women in the class.  I mean, haven’t you noticed that all the other students are guys?  Men?  So what I mean is okay maybe it is just me.  And maybe a guy like me, I mean acting like me, conducting like me, would have the same problems.  But maybe – there are many – ” she paused for the word, “‘eccentric’ conductors who are quite successful.  Male conductors.  So I wonder if part of the problem is that – I’m not male.  And maybe that in itself explains why they responded to me like they did – because I’m a woman.  Or, maybe because I’m a woman, I do things differently, maybe other women conductors would act the same, different way.  In either case, the end result would be just what we got, right?”

“Right – ” he was following her trail.

“I mean, when you stop to think about it, our society does not condition people to pay attention to women.  We’re not in the habit of seeing women as figures of authority, in positions of power – ”


“‘Wait till your father gets home’” Dr. Martens smiled.

“What?” she stopped, then found his path. “Yeah. I was thinking of times when I’ll say something, and no one will comment, and then some guy in the group will say more or less the same thing and then everyone responds to it.  Geez that bugs me.  It seems women and/or women’s ways are just not listened to.”

“So you’re saying you couldn’t help but fail up there on the podium?” he queried.

“Well, I’m not sure.  I’m just saying maybe it has less to do with what I did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say than with the fact that they’re simply not used to a woman conducting – tell me, how many female conductors have you played with?”

He didn’t have to say it.  None.

“So it’ll take some time for them to adjust, accept, realize that I deserve their attention. See I have to earn their respect first, while you men get it just because you’re male.”

Dr. Martens didn’t answer.

She grinned then, “I don’t usually talk this much. And if all I wanted was a good mark, well I would’ve done it differently.  I mean, I would’ve conducted the same as everyone else.  But I didn’t.  And unfortunately, the mark does matter a bit.  And the mark you gave me seems unfair.  I know how to conduct, and you know I do.  You marked me on how well the orchestra followed and somehow I feel I can’t possibly be responsible for that, and yet – ” she continued before he could object, “and yet, you are correct in saying that when it came right down to it, the orchestra conducted themselves, I didn’t conduct. 

“But,” she was back on the beach, with the waves crashing in, “I’m starting to see that every identity requires co-operation.  Maybe that’s hard for you to see because probably most of what you have tried to be has been accepted, recognized.  So you haven’t known that what you are depends on the other’s behaviour as much as your own: a leader isn’t a leader unless someone agrees to follow him, a teacher can’t be called a teacher if no one consents to be his student. Likewise, until someone chooses to recognize me and pay attention to my behaviour up on the podium, I am not a conductor.  All I’m asking is for you to wait until that someone does – and it’ll have to be soon if they keep seeing me up there – then evaluate my conducting ability.”

He sat silent for a while. “I suppose what you’re saying – in this case, it does seem that your success, my evaluation of your success, is somewhat dependent upon what other people do or don’t do.”  He paused, silent again.  “But,” he finally said, “I cannot change the mark I gave you.  Or, let’s be honest, I will not.”  He went on quickly then, “but there are many more conducting assignments during second semester – you’ll be on the podium twice a month instead of once during the whole semester.  So, they’ll have to get used to you.”  He smiled, then said seriously, “And I hope they do. But,” he continued with a sigh, “if they don’t, I mean, if another semester isn’t long enough, remember that half of the exam is written, and there are several written assignments from now until April.”  He paused.  “And,” and smiled, “I would consider extra work, for marks.”

She smiled then too.  “Well. I can’t ask any more of you.”  She rose and reached out to shake his hand.  “Thank you.”

Dr. Martens stood to meet her hand.  “Thank you,” he said quietly.

It was spring, fresh and bright outside. Inside corners were still dull with too much study, too little sleep, and the stress of final exams, but most students were finished, or almost finished with their year.

Jarrett noticed Dr. Martens’ door open, as she sauntered down the hall on her way out. She stopped a moment and swung partly into his office.  “Have a good summer, Dr. Martens.”

“Thank you, I will.  See you in the fall,” he looked up as she moved on.

“Yes, you will,” she called back.

“Oh, Jarrett – ” he got up quickly and went to the door.  She stopped then. “What have you got planned for your summer?”

“Oh,” she leaned against the door frame and crossed her feet.  “You know those street-corner musicians – ”

“Yes!  You’re going to play your trumpet in the open air, a summer minstrel!”  He was pleased.  “Good practice.  And a little money too.”

“Well, no – actually – ” she grinned. “I was going to be a street-corner conductor.”  He looked puzzled.  “I thought I’d take a whole bunch of music on tape, set up a small cassette player, then conduct it!  A bright t-shirt, shorts, and Stravinsky – that’s all I need!”  She laughed then, at his expression.  “Good practice, don’t you think?”  She waved and moved on.  Was she kidding?  He returned to his desk.

A second later she reappeared at his door.  He looked up, questioningly.

“If I left my baton case open, do you think anyone – ”

Another great read – How to decenter men

https://zawn.substack.com/p/how-to-decenter-men-in-your-life

Chaperones

I used to think chaperones were chaperoning young women, in order to, you know, make sure they didn’t engage in, gasp, any immoral behavior.

Now I think the chaperones were chaperoning the young men, in order to, you know, make sure they didn’t rape the young women.

And I think maybe we need to bring back that tradition.  And expand it. 

Certainly beyond “young” men.

So, what’s the premise?  No man can be trusted to be alone with a woman?  And so needs a chaperone.  No, that won’t work.  I mean, his buddy can’t be his chaperone. 

Nor can any other man, actually.     So, what, chaperones must be female.  And armed with a stun gun.  That might work.

Great piece by Kate Manne

“You can teach a man what consent looks like but you can’t force him to care about it.”

https://katemanne.substack.com/p/they-didnt-want-consent?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=950263&post_id=219090886&utm_campaign=email-post-title&isFreemail=true&r=9bras&triedRedirect=true&utm_medium=email

A huge insight late in life

“We all wield different portfolios of knowledge.  We have different values, different priorities, and different understandings of all that unfolds around us.”  Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Yes.  There.  That first one.  My life-long error.

I have assumed that we have different values and different priorities, and I’ve been prepared to argue for my values and priorities.

But I’ve always assumed we share the same portfolio of knowledge.  That is, I’ve always assumed that the other knows what I know.

But they don’t.* And that we each start with a different set of facts—that explains our disagreement. 

(Not, perhaps, our different values or priorities.) 

(Or, more likely, the different set of facts also explains the different sets of values and priorities.)

Because if they knew what I know, they surely wouldn’t hold those views.  (Or values or priorities.)

That explains, for example, why some people voted for Trump and still support him.  And, and, and, and, ad infinitum.

To repeat, I’ve always assumed, incorrectly, that the other knows what I know.   

(Why?  Because I’ve been conditioned to believe I know less.   I’m a woman.  It follows that I know less.  ‘You don’t know anything!’  ‘And if you do, what you know isn’t important!**)

Knowing this now, I know that all along, I should have been making sure that, first, the person I was speaking with (or the person about whom I hold opinions) had the same set of facts as I did.  Then, I could proceed to argue with them about our conflicting views (or form my opinion about them).

But … no.  That would’ve been impossible.

Because even when I have assumed, correctly, that the other didn’t know what I know, I wasn’t ‘permitted’ to educate the other, as a prerequisite for ‘solving’ the disagreement. 

(Again, because I’m a woman.)  (‘You can’t tell me … anything!’)  (‘And how dare you try!)

So establishing that common starting point would have been, in itself, a source of … challenge.

Sigh. 

___

* If only because with no kids or spouse and a job of only 20 hours/week, I read 3-4 books a week.  But also because my job requires that I be widely-read (so I spend a lot of time reading the academic and popular literature in many different disciplines).

** How I managed to maintain that view for as long as I did—in the face of straight As and an excellent GRE score—is nothing short of evidence for the power of sexism over all.  And it didn’t help that I’ve had low-paying jobs for most of my life except for a few years as a sessional instructor at a university, and while there, no collegial recognition, let alone praise, for any of my books.  All of which, again, sexism.)

The Husbands, Chandler Baker – quotes and comments

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

It took me until p79 to see where this was going—the title should’ve clued me in sooner, but—without spoilers, let me just say that compared to her husband, the husbands’ behavior at the dinner party (p91) is so … stark.  And therefore so telling.

The boxed online chats are so insightful.  Perfectly obvious, but still.

And I’m so fucking glad I didn’t get married or have in any way a relationship with a man. 

Which begs the question, to all those women, why?  Why in godsname do you stay???  And why did you get pregnant (again)?

The scene culminating in the lazy traveler … perfect.

“How often do you go to the grocery store, Gary?  When is the 100-Day Celebration at your kids schools, Gary?  How many class parties did you volunteer to organize this year, Gary?  When was the last time you waited at home for the handyman to show up or swept the crumbs from underneath the kitchen table or put away your wife’s laundry, Gary? 

            “Because the crazy thing is that Gary thinks the two of them have the same job and that he’s just better at it.  In reality, Nora does do the same job, but manages it in two-thirds the time while maintaining an entire other career as a wife and a mom …” p203

Lots of these throughout.  All excellent.  All necessary.

“Can you ride in the cart, Liv?” she asks.

“No, I want to help push, Mommy.”

“Please?”

“No, ma’am.  I’m going to push.”  p204

Seriously?  If my mother told me to do something (told me, note; not asked me), I did it.  END OF STORY.  No wonder she’s exhausted.  She’s handed the reins to a four-year-old.

“Before they even reach the produce section, Liv needs a snack because hungry is apparently how God made her today (this, according to Liv), and so they set off to find something suitable, finally agreeing to open a carton of Goldfish.” p204

Ohmyfuckinggod.  The kid’s hungry?  She wants a snack now?  “No.  Wait until we get home.”  END OF STORY. The kid won’t die. 

And Goldfish is what they agreed on?  I ate what my mother put in front of me.  END OF STORY.

Yes, her husband is an asshole, but she’s brought a lot of this on herself.

“I packed three lunches, brushed three heads of hair, made sure everyone went potty, did the dishes, put dinner in the Crock-Pot, put laundry away, and cut toast into quarters, and he thought … I should have been nicer?”  p335

Even so, TO THE MEN:  Read this book.  I dare you.  Then I ask you, what does it say that so many women are applauding this book?  It says that so many are asking, begging , their husbands to accept neither that household maintenance nor childcare is primarily the woman’s responsibility (and you are being generous for helping out).  It says that we think it’ll take a lobotomy of sorts for you to get that.  Prove me wrong.

And to those who whine ‘What do you want me to do?  Tell me what to do!’  Oh for fuck’s sake. 

Buy the food.  Cook.  And clean up after.  Dust and vacuum and wipe and disinfect.  Buy clothing as needed.  Wash and dry said clothing.  Schedule appointments.  Pay attention to a baby, a child.  Don’t pretend you can’t figure this shit out on your own.  No doubt many women are sobbing with joy at chapters 29, 30, and 31.

Harper Ford on menopause and wellness scams

Looking for humorous fiction, I’ve just read Harper Ford’s Hot (not bothered) and Live, Laugh, and Leave Me Alone. 

In both cases—unfortunately, in my opinion—the levity of the covers and the prose obscure a great treatment of a serious issue, menopause and wellness scams, respectively. 

Both recommended—more for the gravity than for the levity. 

“Home for Unwed Fathers” (short story from Fighting Words)

About a month after, they came to get him.

“Hello, is there a Rob Ellis here?”

He heard the polite voice at the door.

“Yeah,” his mother replied.  “Rob!” she called up the stairs. 

Rob came down the stairs and warily approached the two people standing at the door.

“Rob Ellis?”

He nodded.

“Would you please come with us?  We have an order to escort you to the Home for Unwed Fathers.”  The taller woman turned the tablet to face them both, so they could read the order if they so wished.  They did not.

Instead, his mother turned to him, rage on her face.  “You—”

He said nothing.  Just stood there.  Unsure—

“Go!” his mother shouted at him.  “Get the hell out of my house!”  She reached out then, grabbed him, and practically shoved him out the door.  “You fucker!”  She spat.  She actually spat at Rob’s feet.

Rob stumbled across the threshold.

“You’re allowed to bring one suitcase if you like,” the other woman said to him.

“No!  Let him go as he is!” His mother slammed the door.

Once at the Home, they put an ankle monitor on him. 

“What’s this for?” he protested.  “I’m not on house arrest, am I?  I haven’t done anything wrong!”

The woman stared at him.  Eventually, he looked away.

“It’s for your own good,” she said then.  “If you try to go back home, there will most likely be worse consequences.”

Well, she was right about that.  But maybe he could go stay with Tyler.  No, his parents wouldn’t exactly welcome him either.

Next, they branded him.  A small ‘U’ on one cheek, an ‘F’ on the other.  Unwed Father.  Or, as his mother would surely say, Unwed Fucker.

For nine months, he had to live in the Home.  It was an older house, renovated for its current purpose.  On the ground floor were the administrative offices, a kitchen, and a dining room.  The upstairs was divided into four small bedrooms, each with two bunk beds; a large communal bathroom was in the middle.  The basement had a small utility room, and, now, two large areas that served as school rooms during the day, recreation rooms in the evening. 

The house was full: sixteen guys, their ages ranging from thirteen to just shy of eighteen.  Several other Homes were scheduled to open that month, as soon as the accelerated renovations were done.  The demand was quite high.

There were rules about what to do when.  Everything they did had to be supervised.  They couldn’t even go outside into the fenced yard alone.  It was like they were kids.  He was seventeen, for fuck’s sake.

He spent the mornings and the afternoons in class, with no spares: he had to keep up with his regular courses in order to pass the year and graduate, and there were a ton of extra courses, every one of them mandatory: child development—physical, intellectual, emotional, social; nutrition; first aid; parenting skills for a newborn, an infant, a toddler, a child, a teenager.  They had some good laughs about that last one.

Once a week, they were all encouraged to go on the day trip.  They’d pile into two mini-vans, each with ‘Unwed Home for Fathers’ emblazoned on the side, and spend the afternoon at the mall or, more likely, attending the Saturday game of some local sports league.  Every one of the guys wore an over-sized hoodie and a baseball cap, but still, it was obvious.  Who they were.  What they had done.

He talked with some of the guys, mostly Mitch, his bunkmate. 

“It’s not fair!” he’d protested early on.  “I don’t even know if she’s pregnant.”  Though, he supposed, she must be, if he was here.  She must have identified him as the father.  That’s how they knew to come and pick him up. 

“Yeah, we all fucked someone,” one of the other guys said.  “Big deal, everyone does it.”

It seemed that all of the guys had pretty much the same home situation and so were actually content to be there in the Home.  And as for when they got out?  Don’t know, don’t care.

Rob would have said the same thing, had someone asked, but hearing it from so many others, it started to sound … inauthentic.  He didn’t know what was going to happen when he got out of there, but truth be told, he did care.

About eight months in, one of the women came down to the classroom and asked him to come upstairs to one of the offices.  It was the same woman who’d put the ankle monitor on him.

“Have a seat, Rob.”

He sat.

“So … Kaley has survived childbirth.”

He was caught by surprise.  He hadn’t expected that to be what he’d been called to the office for.  Honestly, he hadn’t even thought much about Kaley, her being pregnant, going through childbirth.  And the word ‘survived’—had there been a chance she wouldn’t survive?

“You don’t know it’s mine!  I wasn’t the only one bangin’ her.”

Again, the woman stared at him.  Again, eventually, he looked away.

“We do know.  A paternity test was done.  Back when.”  And since every male’s DNA was on file …

So now what, he wondered.

“Now we wait for her to confirm her decision.  Whether to keep the baby or give it up.”

Well, if she decided to give it up, what the fuck had he spent almost nine months in stupid parenting classes for?  Actually, even if she decided to keep the baby, what the fuck had he spent almost nine months in stupid parenting classes for?  It was her body.  Her baby.  She should be the one in parenting classes.

The next day, he was asked again to come to the office.   

Again, “Have a seat, Rob.”

Again, he sat.

“Kaley has decided to give up her baby.”

Yes! He was off the hook!

But then he was, again, caught by surprise: another woman entered the office, holding a newborn.

“As you know,” the first woman continued, “when a woman gives up her newborn, it automatically goes to the father.” 

The other woman held out the baby to him.  “Her name is Cindy.”

“But—” He did not reach to take the baby.  “No—  It’s not my fault!”

The first woman spoke, while the second one took a seat, carefully holding the baby.  “Are you saying that Kaley, a fifteen-year-old girl, somehow overpowered you, restrained you, brought you to erection, and then to ejaculation into her vagina?”

“No, I—”  Did they have to be so blunt?

“Even if that were the case,” she continued, “perhaps because she put something in your drink, you willingly put yourself in that position, no?”

“No!  I mean—  I used a condom!”  He actually couldn’t remember if he had or not.  Probably not.  They weren’t cheap.

“Yes, well, sometimes condoms break.  There’s a chance with any contraception that it won’t work.  That’s the risk you take when you engage in sexual intercourse.”

“But—  I don’t want it.”  He didn’t even look at the baby.

“Well, you should have thought of that before.  Before you ejaculated into Kaley’s vagina.”

“I didn’t—  We were just fooling around, having fun!”

Yet again, the woman stared at him.  “You didn’t know how babies are made?”

“No—  Yes—  I’m not stupid!”

She kept staring at him. 

No one spoke.

“Okay,” he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.  “If she can give it away, so can I.” He glared at them.

“No,” the first woman said, “one of you has to take responsibility for it.  Ideally, both of you take responsibility, but that’s not an option here, apparently.  Kaley got first choice, since it’s been her body the baby has been using, but since she said no, well, it’s … yours.”

“Why didn’t she ask me first?  I’d’ve said no.  Then she could’ve had an abortion!  I would’ve told her to have an abortion!”

“Rob,” the second one spoke up, gently, “you know that’s impossible.  Abortion’s been illegal for years now.”

“Well, I won’t take care of it,” he insisted.  “I’ll just … leave it somewhere.”

“That’s your choice, of course, but as you should know by now, the baby will likely die without your care.  And then you’ll be charged with infanticide.  For which the penalty is assisted suicide.”

Since Rob hadn’t planned for any of this, they arranged transfer to a ‘Tier 2’ Home, one that had the appropriate facilities and resources for babies. 

“I figure I’ll get a job,” Rob said to Mitch, thinking out loud as he packed his stuff.  Because no way was he going to live in another Home and—  Actually, he didn’t know what that future would look like.  “I’ll get an apartment, hire a babysitter for during the day, then—”

“You won’t get a job,” Mitch scoffed.  “No one will hire you with those,” he nodded to his cheeks.

“Why not?  If I work hard—”

“If you do it again, they’ll be the ones have to pay for this,” he gestured at their situation.  The house.  The program.

Rob looked puzzled.

“It’s the law.”

Oh.  Rob sat down heavily.

“Even if you could get a job,” Mitch continued, “you probably wouldn’t make more than what you’d have to pay the babysitter.  So you’d still be out rent, food, diapers …”

Rob exploded back onto his feet and started pacing the small room.  “So how the fuck am I supposed to do all the stuff I gotta do?!  For the baby?”

“Ah,” Mitch sighed, “an age-old problem.  With an age-old solution.”  There was a crooked grin on his face.

“What, I get married?  I suppose that would work …”

Mitch scoffed again.  “Good luck with that.”

“Why?  I’m good lookin’,” Rob glanced at the mirror, as if for reassurance on that point.

“You’re damaged goods is what you are,” Mitch replied.  “Who’s gonna want someone who’s got a kid to look after? 

“And even if you didn’t,” Mitch continued, “even if Kaley had kept the kid, who’s gonna take a chance that you won’t be a Fucker again?

“Who’s gonna want someone who’s pocketing only part of their wages?”

“What?”  Rob stopped pacing.

“If Kaley had kept the kid, they would’ve taken your wages to support her and the kid, your kid, for six years, then just the kid, your kid, for another twelve.  Don’t you know anything?”

Rob sat down again.  Slowly.  Thinking this through.

Mitch waited, the crooked grin back on his face.

Rob saw no way out.  “Okay, genius, so what—”

“Didn’t you pay attention to your Women’s History course?”

Ah.  But Rob just snorted.  Then protested, “I ain’t a woman.”

“Some men don’t like me” Dina Honour

Great read.

https://dinahonour.substack.com/p/some-men-dont-like-me

“Violence against women and children is legal. We just pretend otherwise.” Zawn Villines

https://zawn.substack.com/p/violence-against-women-and-children

“That’s because in patriarchy, nothing trumps a man’s right not to be inconvenienced. His right to act as he wishes will always come before the right of women and children to continue living.”

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